


Too Soon, and Too Late

by Akiko_Natsuko



Series: Gratsu [39]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Character Death, Death, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Requited Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-13 22:13:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17496350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: Natsu hadn't meant to confess his feelings so soon. And Gray wishes that he had confessed his a lot sooner.





	1. Chapter 1

    Natsu could barely see as he stumbled through his front door, his vision blurred with the tears that he had stubbornly clung to on the mad dash back from the guild. However, as he shoved the door shut behind him, he could feel his control wavering, and he hastily turned and latched it with shaking fingers, not that there was anyone to keep out. Happy was spending the day with Carla and Wendy, and the one person that he wanted to follow him, wouldn’t… and it was that thought that broke the tentative hold he had on his emotions, and the first sob took him by force, drawing a low, broken noise from him as he twisted around and fell back against the door before letting gravity pull him to the ground. There was a brief pause as he tried to pull himself back together, to stop him from shattering entirely but it was too late, and as another sob wracked him and then another, he buried his head in his hands.

_What was I thinking?_

    He already knew the answer to that – he hadn’t been thinking. The words had come tumbling out before he had even realised what he was doing, words that he had been thinking for weeks, months…years. Words that he had promised that he wouldn’t say until he was sure that he was ready, and until he felt the other man was ready to hear them, and he had broken that decision and screwed everything up.

     He’d known from the start that Gray didn’t feel the same way about him. He’d known it. After all, they had just crept past the point of being childhood rivals and reluctant teammates, to something that could be called friendship. Natsu had been thrilled by that development, even though he had masked it in the expected reluctance and challenges, but it had all been an act because he had loved Gray for as long as he could remember knowing the difference between friendship…and more. Again, it was something that he masked with fighting and insults, at first trying to push it away, and later worried about revealing it. No, not worried…scared. He had been scared for so long, especially with their growing friendship, and the fact that dark eyes no longer narrowed with irritation as soon as he came near, which had forced him to re-evaluate everything and confront those feelings all over again.

Which had led him to think that maybe, just maybe, he might stand a chance…

    Only he had acted too soon, he knew that. He had known it the moment the words had left his lips, and tears trickled between his fingers, the sobs refusing to be contained now. _I shouldn’t have said anything, not yet._ He knew that he should have waited to see if they had been able to grow closer, to see if they were something more, but he had been afraid to wait. Aware that there were other people who liked Gray as more than a friend, and others who noticed the Ice Mage wherever they went, and even though he was nearly always there, always by Gray’s side, he was terrified that he would never be seen. Never be noticed in that way, and logically he knew that might not have changed, even if he had waited longer.

    But he hadn’t waited. Instead, he’d blurted out the confession, fingers crossed behind his back and like a fool he’d allowed himself to dream, to hope. Silence had greeted his words, and when he’d finally found the courage to look up, he had seen the shock in the dark eyes, and the conflicted emotions that had followed including the hint of anger, and there had been a roaring sound in his ears. I shouldn’t have said anything.  And Natsu for the first time in his life had bolted, fleeing before Gray could reject him to his face, ignoring the shouts that had finally rung out behind him, unable to even look back.

_I should have waited._

_*_

    Natsu didn’t know how long he had sat like that, head buried in his hands, and sobbing in a way that he hadn’t in years. When the tears had finally dried, he was exhausted, leaning back against the wall and gazing blankly down the hallway. _What have I done?_ He knew that there was no way that Gray would just let what had happened be forgotten, and he honestly wasn’t sure what the Ice Mage would say to him – would he be angry? Embarrassed? Would he refuse to talk to Natsu? Or, worse would he go back to how they had been before they’d become teammates? Natsu wasn’t sure that he could handle any of those reactions right now, a brittle, broken laugh rising in the back of his throat. _I shouldn’t have said anything. T_ here was no one else to blame for this mess, he knew that, and he knew that he was the one that needed to fix it. He just didn’t know how.

    What he did know was that he couldn’t face it right now. There was a raw, jagged feeling in his chest, that seemed to throb in unison with the stinging in his eyes, and he didn’t want to imagine what he must look like right now. And he doubted it was going to get better anytime soon, and slowly he unfurled, before reaching down with a trembling hand to pull out the piece of paper from his pocket. The job flyer had held no interest to him, he had just snatched it off the board as he’d fled from the guild, but now it promised salvation, and he sniffled as he studied it.

    He would take the job, on his own. Happy would understand once he heard what had happened, or at least he hoped he would because there was no way he could explain it at the moment. He needed to get away from everything, to have time to deal with the hurt, even though he had half-expected the reaction in the first place, realising that he was running away, but praying that it might have blown over somewhat by the time he returned.

_Please, I don’t want to lose him._

 


	2. Chapter 2

    Gray wished that he had reacted not better, but quicker that day, because if he was honest, he wasn’t sure how else he could have responded. He had been caught off guard, completely stunned when in the middle of a discussion about taking a team job Natsu had suddenly blurted out his confession. He hadn’t been blind to the changes in their relationship, it was hard to miss how far they’d come when before they couldn’t even set eyes on one another without descending into insults and fists, that sometimes lacked the friendly edge that was always present now. He just hadn’t realised that it had gone further than that, at least for Natsu, and there had been nothing but white noise in his head as he stared wide-eyed at the Dragon-slayer, frozen in place.

   There had been a dozen thoughts darting through his mind, words that he could’ve said, and that he now wished he’d said because even if it had been the wrong thing to say, it would’ve at least stopped Natsu from just bolting as the silence dragged on too long. _And, since when did Natsu run from anything? Let alone me…_ That had been more unexpected than the confession when he thought about it, leaving him standing in the guild, not sure what had happened, or how they had got to this point. _We were just friends this morning, I don’t…_ He was no closer to an answer, thoughts like quicksilver, too fast for him to grasp. _However, there was something, some part of him that told him that he couldn’t just let Natsu go._ At least not like this and shaking off a little bit of his shock he found his voice.

 “Natsu! Oi, Natsu!” There was no response, and Natsu showed no sign of stopping and realising that they had an audience Gray took off after them, as much to catch the Dragon-slayer as to get away from the stunned stares. However, Natsu could be fast when he wanted to, and it was clear that today he had just wanted to get as far away as possible, as quickly as possible, and it hadn’t taken him long to lose track of the Fire Mage.

    He knew where Natsu lived, but he found himself faltering at the thought of going out there. If he did that, there would be no avoiding the topic, or the fact that he would need to come up with a response of some sort. _But I don’t know what to say to him._ He hadn’t felt that way since the first time he’d caught sight of the lonely figure of the riverbank before he’d understood how Natsu’s mind worked and how to connect with him, whether as a rival or a friend…or something more. He shivered at that thought, and he slowed and stopped. He couldn’t go after Natsu like this, because if he went out there without any clue about what he wanted to say or do, then he would only make things worse, and somehow that thought terrified him.

   Instead, he had retreated to his own flat, unable to face the guild just yet either. He spent the afternoon on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling as he tried to marshal his thoughts into some kind of order, with little success. Because as soon as he thought that he was starting to get a handle on it, he would remember how Natsu had looked and sounded, or the fact that the Dragon-slayer had fled, and he would circle back to the beginning.

    When he’d been no closer to reaching an answer as evening fell, he’d finally gathered himself enough to return to the guild. He had to face Natsu sooner or later, and he knew the Dragon-slayer or at least he’d thought he had, and he doubted that he could have remained away from the Guild for an entire day. So, he was stunned to reach the guild, only to discover that Natsu had taken off on a job on his own, not even taking Happy, and without leaving a note or a message for his teammates. He had run away again, fleeing as far and fast as he could, leaving behind a confused Ice Mage and a worried team.

_Natsu…_


	3. Chapter 3

   It had been weeks, going into months since Natsu had first taken off after that disastrous afternoon, and the Guild…not even his team, had only heard from him once in all that time, and that had just been to say he had finished the first job, and to request a second. However, since then there had been radio silence, with not even a trail of destruction to tell them where the Dragon-slayer had gone, which had been more worrying than the silence in its own way, and had whispers running through the Guild. Natsu was destructive, it was just part of who he was, and even though Erza had managed to rein that tendency in, she had never managed to erase it completely. So, for there to be no sign of him, it was almost as though he had disappeared off the face of the planet.

     Erza and Lucy had been the first to break, taking a distraught Happy with them as they went in search of the Dragon-slayer, and the whole guild and the allies they had made in the guilds across Fiore were asked to keep an eye out for Natsu. The entire Guild knew exactly what had happened by this point, and many of them would look to Gray, wondering if…or when he would join the search for the Dragon-slayer, as he had lingered at the Guild, barely reacting and only taking one small job in the time since Natsu had gone. However, he was oblivious to the sideways glances, and the quiet whispers that spread around him whenever he put in an appearance.  

     Gray had spent nearly every moment since that day re-evaluating every memory and moment that he had of him and Natsu, the lifetime they had shared in the guild, from their fight on the day that Makarov had first brought Natsu to the Guild. Through their fights and bickering over the year, with rarer, quiet moments in between where he had started to glimpse other pieces of the Dragon-slayer. To their slow, awkward transition to teammates after Erza had forced them both to help her on that first job, and on to the moment when it had suddenly dawned on him that they were more than rivals.

 That they were actually friends.

     At some point, as he worked through those memories, he had slowly…too slowly, begun to realise that there was something more in those memories. More than friendship, although it had just been a spark, a hint of something that could blossom under the right circumstance. He’d always known that he’d believed in Natsu but looking back he realised that he’d had more faith in the Dragon-slayer than any of his teammates regardless of how capable they were. Just as he had been terrified, to the point where he had been completely frozen in place on Galuna when he’d thought that Deliora was going to destroy the Fire Mage right in front of him. If it had been someone else, he might have been able to move, to try and dive forward and save them, but it had been Natsu…and he had frozen, unable to breathe, unable to act.

_But was that more than friendship?_

   He wasn’t sure, and to be honest, he wasn’t sure that it was an answer that he could reach by himself, and he frowned as he glanced around the guild. Expression darkening as he realised yet again just how empty the room felt without Natsu’s constant warmth and noise, and how little it felt like home with those elements missing, and his hands clenched into fists against the table top. Now that his frantic thoughts had slowed, the realisations were settling in, and he sucked in a shaky breath as he was assaulted by the concern that had been held at bay by his whirling thoughts for the last few days, and he swallowed.

_Natsu, where are you? I need to…I want to answer you now…_

**

   That day and that realisation had been when Gray had joined the search. The concern that he had finally acknowledged that day, slowly transforming into full-blown fear as the weeks passed, becoming months, still with no sign of the missing Dragon-Slayer. As his own mood turned, the atmosphere in the guild grew darker and darker by the day, because they all knew that no matter what had happened between Gray and Natsu, the Dragon-slayer would never have stayed away from home for this long. Fairy Tail was more than home and family, it was something in his blood, so for him to still be missing…

   The whispers began to take on a darker, more fearful tone even as they and their allies stepped up their search efforts, leaving no stone unturned, refusing to acknowledge the creeping thought that maybe it was all too late.

*

    It was the turn of the year, as the first winter snowfall lay on the ground and seven months after Natsu had left that he came home, or rather that he was brought home. Gray had stopped by the Guild for the first time a month along with the rest of their team, needing to check in and have a proper meal and sleep, because even they couldn’t keep hunting indefinitely. They were also hoping for news, rumours, anything that might give them some clue as to where Natsu was, or what had happened to him, the words that he needed to say burning in his chest.

_Natsu, I know what my answer is now._

    They had spent the night at the Guild. Not at home, because now more than ever the absence of Natsu was keenly felt, and they were readying to leave again early the next morning, disheartened by the lack of news even though they should have come to expect it by now. Not that it made any easier for Gray to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, or the tears in Happy and Lucy’s’ eyes, and the way that Erza had needed to turn away, the light in her eyes dimmed in a way that it hadn’t been since she’d first come to the Guild.

_I did this._ It was a thought that had haunted Gray ever since Natsu had first left the guild, intensifying with each that passed without word or sign of the Dragon-slayer. If only he had been able to speak that day when Natsu had confessed, or if he had just managed to stop him from leaving or followed him home and tried to at least explain that he just needed more time to think. All, he needed to do was say something or do something different, and none of this would have happened, and he found himself having to blink back sudden tears. _Natsu where the hell are you? Why won’t you come home? I’m not worth that…_

    It was as though the Gods had decided to answer that question because just as he had thought it, turning to try and comfort the others, although he felt as though he was sinking further and further into the mire of fear and doubt that had followed him for months, the Guild doors slammed open. Instinctively he turned towards it, ice already dancing across his skin, although he doubted anyone would launch an attack at the moment as everyone in Magnolia, and the wider area knew how on edge the Guild was at the moment. However, all thoughts of danger or fighting. In fact, all thoughts all together vanished in that instant, and Gray froze, feeling as though the air had been sucked out of the room as for the first time in seven months, he lay eyes on Natsu, barely aware of his knees giving way beneath him, or the sob that bubbled up in the back of his throat.

_Natsu_ …

    The Dragon-slayer was utterly still, lying limp and looking remarkably small in Laxus’ arms as the other man cradled him close. Natsu’s clothes were torn and tattered, the vest practically unrecognisable, but worse they were bloody, even his beloved scarf was dyed crimson as it trailed over the Lightning Mage’s arms and hung down behind them. Gray didn’t need to see the still chest or the tears that were still damp on Laxus’ face, and on the faces of the Raijinshuu who had followed him in, standing around the two Dragon-slayer’s like an honour guard, to know that it was too late. That he had waited too long, and that he was never going to get the chance to make up for the mistake he had made back then.

    Laxus was speaking, no doubt explaining what had happened, but the Ice Mage couldn’t hear the words or register the noise spreading through the guild, grief being expressed in shouts and sobs. Unable to process anything but the sight of Natsu lying so close, and yet even more out of his reach than ever. _Natsu._

    Gray had no idea how he managed to move, staggering as he stumbled back to his feet, his knees barely managing to hold him upright. _Natsu._ Distantly he knew that tears were streaking down his cheeks as he moved forward, walking like a man in a dream, only he knew that this wasn’t a dream as much as he wished that it was. The hollow, aching sensation in his chest told him that much. He knew that it was too late, far too late, but he needed Natsu to hear the words, to know that Gray had made a mistake and that he had felt the same even if it had taken him a while to get there. Laxus watched him approach but didn’t stop him, understanding in the blue eyes that was painful to witness. However, Gray ignored him, reaching out with a trembling hand to brush Natsu’s cheek, shivering at the chill that had replaced the warmth that he had realised too late that he loved.

 “I loved you too Flamebrain…”

_I love you…_

_I’m sorry I waited so long to reply…_

 


End file.
